🚔 Farmington’s Crime Wave: DUIs, Lane Failures, and the Art of Trespassing at 40 Wellington Dr. 🚦
Disclaimer:
In the grand tradition of America’s judicial system, we solemnly remind you that all persons are innocent until proven guilty. Especially here in Farmington, where we can all agree the real crime is our town’s obsession with improper lane changes.
Farmington Arrests: Because What Else Are You Going to Do in a Small Town?
Here at The Farmington Mercury, we take our time—just like the legal system. And, as always, we’re thrilled to bring you the absolute last word on the week’s arrests. From DUI classics to petty larceny that feels more like a misguided shopping spree, this is your (very late) guide to the local citizens who, for better or worse, can’t seem to stay out of handcuffs.
Kyler Fausel
- Arrested: September 30, 2024, at 8:37 PM
- Location: Main St. and Elm St. (because where else?)
- Charges:
- Failure to Drive Upon Right—because lanes, much like life choices, are negotiable
- Operating Under the Influence—because sobriety, like punctuality, is for amateurs
- Risk of Injury to a Child—because why make bad choices alone?
- OUI with Child Passenger—perfect for the “Take Your Kid to DUI Night”
- Bond: $2,500
- Remarks: Kyler added a child into the mix, making this the most ill-conceived “family outing” we’ve seen in a while. Posted bond because, naturally, there’s a limit to how much bad decision-making can cost.
Daniel Aparo
- Arrested: September 30, 2024, at 1:52 PM
- Location: 635 Hartford Rd., New Britain
- Charges:
- Larceny 4th Degree—taking “retail therapy” a bit too literally
- Conspiracy to Commit Larceny—because shoplifting is a team sport, apparently
- Bond: $5,000
- Remarks: Bond posted for this daring midday shoplifting escapade. Call it the most expensive “five-finger discount” this side of New Britain. One has to appreciate the confidence it takes to coordinate a heist over mid-range retail items.
Michael Meier
- Arrested: September 28, 2024, at 11:01 PM
- Location: 271 Scott Swamp Rd.
- Charges:
- Failure to Drive in Proper Lane—who needs lanes when you’ve got a full tank and questionable judgment?
- Operating Under the Influence—because bad driving is just more fun when impaired
- Bond: $5,000
- Remarks: As if Scott Swamp Road wasn’t swampy enough, Michael decided to throw in a little extra chaos. Posted bond because, after all, you can’t put a price on lane-swerving freedom.
Michael Smith
- Arrested: September 28, 2024, at 11:34 PM
- Location: 40 Wellington Dr.
- Charges:
- Criminal Trespass 3rd Degree—because nothing says “good time” like being somewhere you don’t belong
- Bond: $5,000
- Remarks: Trespassing is like Farmington’s version of an Airbnb, minus the permission. Bond posted, because privacy is apparently as optional as our town’s road laws.
Daniel Taylor
- Arrested: September 28, 2024, at 8:38 PM
- Location: Scott Swamp Road
- Charges:
- Failure to Drive in Proper Lane (again, we’re starting to wonder if these lane lines are just suggestions)
- Illegal Operation of a Motor Vehicle Under Suspension—because why not?
- Operating Under the Influence—because he clearly wasn’t drunk enough already
- Bond: $2,500
- Remarks: Another exciting DUI on Scott Swamp Road. We can only assume this road is where sobriety goes to die. Posted bond—because no bad idea is too outrageous when it’s only $2,500.
Joseph Paul Gormley
- Arrested: September 28, 2024, at 2:12 AM
- Location: Mill Lane
- Charges:
- Improper Turn/Stop-No Signal—because it’s more fun to keep everyone guessing
- Operating Under the Influence—because if you’re going to turn poorly, you might as well be drunk
- Bond: $2,500
- Remarks: Ah, the classic 2 AM DUI with a dash of bad signaling. Posted bond. Perhaps next time he’ll give us a signal that he’s learned something.
Farmington Storage: Where Even Your Terrible Decisions Deserve Museum-Level Preservation 🏪✨
It is with great (and only mildly sarcastic) gratitude that we thank Farmington Storage, located at 155 Scott Swamp Road. Because if you’re going to make reckless decisions in Farmington, you might as well store the aftermath in climate-controlled units with museum air. Yes, you heard that right—museum air. Farmington Storage: Where your junk is treated with more care than your driving decisions. Call 860.777.4001 before the art curators get jealous.
About the Author:
Jack Beckett here. When I’m not covering every improper turn, lane violation, and poorly thought-out retail crime in Farmington, I’m enjoying a steady stream of lukewarm coffee while pretending this slow journalism is deeply profound. If you’re interested in other riveting stories, dive into our editorial section here, or check out our ongoing property-for-sale section here, where you can peruse homes that won’t feature their owners in next week’s arrest log (probably).
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