Farmington Crime Spree Thwarted After Exactly Two Arrests
FARMINGTON, CT — The quaint peace of Farmington was briefly disrupted this week after local police stunned residents by heroically arresting precisely two (yes, two) individuals. Experts agree this sudden spike in crime—from zero to two—represents a shocking 200% increase, plunging our sleepy hamlet into chaos.
On March 27th at precisely 5:45 PM—a time better suited for dinner reservations or pretending you’re still working—Farmington’s finest apprehended 29-year-old Jorge Hommy Delvalle, who decided to test out Farmington’s roads with a car more questionable than grandma’s potato salad. Delvalle, from neighboring New Britain, was booked on multiple charges, including reckless driving, engaging police in a pursuit, and improperly using markers on an unregistered vehicle. His $10,000 bond was promptly posted, ensuring he’ll soon be free to continue practicing his questionable taste in automotive decorations.
Simultaneously (which, for Farmington PD, means at the same time, not “when convenient”), police also arrested 19-year-old Devlin Jordan Lavallee of Middlebury. Lavallee faces charges of first-degree larceny and motor vehicle theft—charges typically reserved for cities where stealing a car is not just frowned upon but challenging. Lavallee posted his significantly pricier $30,000 bond, suggesting even crime is feeling the inflation pinch.
As always, remember: all suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law (or at least until Facebook commenters weigh in).
This gripping crime report is brought to you by our friends at Farmington Storage, located conveniently at 155 Scott Swamp Road. Their exclusive Museum Air™ promises your stored goods will breathe better than the suspects’ alibis. Give them a ring at 860.777.4001.
Until the next crime wave, Farmington—stay vigilant (but realistically, just lock your doors).
☕ Jack Beckett
Reporter, coffee enthusiast, and currently caffeinated beyond recommended human limits.
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