Farmington Mercury: Arrest Extravaganza – The Only Real News in Town
“Always Last to Breaking News”
Ladies and Gentlemen, dear Farmingtonians, gather for your meticulously delayed, always-anticipated update on the comings and goings in our humble town’s justice system. Yes, it’s that time again—when we at The Farmington Mercury, under our proud banner of “Always Last to Breaking News,” deliver the freshest cuts of crime and punishment. And remember, this service to the community is made possible by the fine folks at Farmington Storage—where the air is as pure as your grandmother’s preserved wedding dress, thanks to our exclusive Museum-Quality air control. Remember, if it’s worth storing, it’s worth storing, right? (Call 860.777.4001—operators are standing by.)
Now, let’s dive into the sizzling, slow-roasted details of Farmington’s finest recent arrests:
Monday: From Disorderly Conduct to High-Stakes DUI
Our Monday morning cup of coffee was spiced up with Jason Stephen Decillis, 47, of Farmington, who was scooped up on August 25th at 6:00 PM from the serene locale of Keyes Street. Charged with Disorderly Conduct, Jason quickly posted his $2,500 non-surety bond, presumably to return to his regularly scheduled programming. We suspect that his behavior was slightly less serene than the picturesque streets of our town.
On the same day, Lynn E. Strand, an energetic 43-year-old from Farmington, allegedly decided that 11:12 AM was the perfect time to drive under the influence on School Street. She put down her $1,500 bond before anyone could say “orange jumpsuit.”
And let’s not forget Osvaldo Emilio Vellon, 25, hailing from Hartford, who was ambitious enough to get arrested twice in one day (August 24th). First for Criminal Trespass at 7:18 AM, then again for Failure to Appear, because one court date just isn’t enough. With bonds stacking up to $315,000, Osvaldo certainly made a dent in someone’s wallet.
Tuesday: From Shoplifting Shenanigans to a Hearty Breach of Peace
Tuesday brought us the tale of Alexandra Valentin, 33, of New Britain, who was caught red-handed (or red-pursed) shoplifting on South Road at 5:35 PM. She posted a $2,500 bond quicker than you can say “retail therapy gone wrong.”
Not to be outdone, Jovan Desmond Smith, a youthful 21-year-old from East Hartford, was arrested earlier that day at 1:00 PM for a hearty Breach of Peace on New Britain Avenue. With a $1,000 surety bond, we can only wonder if the peace he breached was as loud as a Farmington Storage air filter.
Wednesday: Late-Night Trespasser
In the wee hours of August 28th, Kelsey R. Fortier made headlines (well, this headline at least) for Criminal Trespass and Criminal Mischief, leading to an arrest by Southington PD around 3:51 AM. With a bond tallying up to $2,500, Kelsey was promptly released to perhaps rethink their late-night hobbies.
Friday: From the Theatrical to the Illicit
The week rounded out with a bang (or perhaps a whisper) with Jacob Andrew Salas, 23, from Farmington, who tried his hand at Larceny on August 22nd at the Tunxis Mead Athletic Fields. With a $2,500 bond, we’re sure Jacob learned that the only thing easier to steal than sports equipment is a headline at The Farmington Mercury.
Luke Wilkening Thomsen, 37, from South Windsor, wasn’t going to let Jacob have all the fun and was arrested for the dual offenses of using drug paraphernalia and sixth-degree larceny on August 21st. With a couple of dollars in bond and a trip to court, Luke might want to reconsider his shopping list.
And closing out our week was Gregory Alan Hofler, 30, from Farmington, whose warrant arrest for possession of child pornography reminded us all that not all headlines are funny—but every crime should have its day in court.
So, dear readers, as we wrap up this week’s tour of Farmington’s underworld, don’t forget to visit our sponsors at Farmington Storage. Whether it’s priceless heirlooms or yesterday’s crime reports, they’ll keep it safe—just like we keep you informed, eventually.
And remember, if we didn’t cover your favorite arrest, don’t worry—we’re probably saving it for next week. After all, we are The Farmington Mercury: Always Last to Breaking News.
