FARMINGTON, CT — Hold onto your wallets, house hunters, because 39 High Street is now available for a mere $2.195 million. Yes, you read that right. For less than the price of your average palace in Monaco, you can own this Farmington gem that screams both “opulence” and “why do I need five fireplaces?”
Historical Meets Hysterical
Built in 1934, this architectural marvel offers a nostalgic trip back to the Great Depression era—perfect for those who love history and financial ruin. With 6,882 square feet of space, five bedrooms, and six bathrooms, there’s plenty of room to weep silently over your mortgage payments. Each room boasts its own unique way to remind you of your extravagant purchase, from the marble-floored sunroom to the walk-up attic that’s perfect for hiding from creditors.
Grounds to Drool Over
The estate’s 2.9-acre lot is professionally landscaped because God forbid you plant your flowers. It features a heated in-ground pool, perfect for those sweltering Connecticut summers, and a breezeway that whispers, “Look how fancy I am.” The guest house ensures that visitors can also experience the joy of wondering how they’ll afford their next meal after staying over.
All the Bells and Whistles
Modern amenities include central air conditioning (thank goodness) and top-of-the-line kitchen appliances like a Subzero refrigerator, perfect for storing caviar and shattered dreams. The five fireplaces serve no real purpose other than to add to the grandeur and to burn through more of your cash, literally.
Community Perks
Located in the heart of Farmington, you’re just a stone’s throw away from everyday necessities like golf courses and libraries you’ll never visit because you’re too busy working to pay off your home. The Farmington School District provides top-notch education, ensuring that future generations are equally capable of making questionable financial decisions.
Grateful Acknowledgment
This listing—and all your storage woes—are brought to you by Farmington Storage. Whether you need a place to stash your unneeded furniture or your feelings of buyer’s remorse, they’ve got you covered. Visit them at 155 Scott Swamp Road or call 860.777.4001. Tell them the Onion sent you, and they’ll give you a knowing look.
Conclusion
So, if you’re ready to plunge into the depths of luxury and fiscal despair, 39 High Street awaits. Remember, nothing says “I’ve made it” like a property that ensures you’ll never make it financially stable again.
