For Just $799,000, You Can Own This 4-Bedroom Monument to Adult Responsibility in Farmington, CT
For the discerning homeowner with a penchant for multi-zone heating and a fear of spontaneous home depreciation, we present 9 Juniper Lane. Nestled deep within the heart of a Farmington cul-de-sac—perfect for anyone with a strong desire to live just far enough from society to consider using the word “secluded” in casual conversation—this 4-bedroom, 3.5-bath colonial is now yours for a mere $799,000.
That’s right. For less than the cost of a lifetime’s worth of existential dread, you can move into this 3,613-square-foot adult playground, where two fireplaces and two laundry rooms provide all the luxury you never knew you needed.
The Suburban Dream: Where Fireplaces Outnumber Kids
Let’s start with the kitchen—a space designed not just for eating, but for reminding you why you work long hours. It’s decked out with a double oven (because one is for peasants), a 5-burner gas cooktop (ideal for setting off the smoke alarm), and two pantries (so you can buy those Costco 12-packs of peanut butter without regret). It also features a charming, cozy fireplace for those moments when your morning coffee deserves its own cinematic ambiance.
Step into the family room—where the ceiling is coffered, the second fireplace roars, and your dreams of avoiding holiday gatherings are systematically extinguished. The crown molding quietly screams “I’m better than you” without being too obnoxious about it.
And what’s more practical than one laundry room? Two laundry rooms. That’s right. Whether you’re separating whites and colors or simply hiding from your family while folding towels, this house has you covered in ways no therapy session ever could.
Taxes So High You Can Almost Feel the Civic Pride
Speaking of things you can’t escape, let’s talk about the taxes—because who doesn’t love contributing to Farmington’s civic prosperity? At $10,344 annually, you’ll be delighted to know that every time you think about that picturesque backyard view of “forever wild” conservation land, you’re also funding it. Sure, the property assessment skyrocketed by 31.7% in 2023, but what’s a little tax hike when you’re already in six figures of debt, right?
The price history is a rollercoaster of emotions, having been listed for $749,900 in November of 2023, only to be pulled off the market briefly—probably because someone got cold feet after realizing there were two fireplaces to clean. But it’s back now at the ultra-competitive price of $799,000, so don’t dawdle unless you enjoy refreshing Zillow at 3 AM, quietly wondering if you should’ve stayed in your rental.
“Custom Features” for the Custom Lifestyle You’re Pretending to Live
This home has a long list of “custom features”—a phrase here meaning things that sound nice but mostly remind you how much effort maintaining them will be. You’ve got the hardwood floors, 5-zone heating (so you can micromanage your own comfort), two propane fireplaces (you’re into that by now, right?), and a generator for when Mother Nature decides to turn out the lights.
The primary suite offers not just one, but two walk-in closets, because you deserve to store clothing you’ll never wear again. There’s a double-sink granite vanity, too, because nothing says true love like brushing your teeth next to someone at a comfortable distance.
Outside, a paver patio and deck invite you to take in your immaculately maintained 0.68-acre lot. Sure, you could spend your weekends enjoying that “forever wild” conservation land, but let’s be honest—you’ll probably be inside adjusting the thermostat.
Call Our Sponsor—Because We Know You Need a Place for All That Stuff
Before you schedule that second showing, allow us to direct you to Farmington Storage, where all those things that won’t fit in your three-car garage can find their forever home. Whether it’s off-season decorations or those skis you thought you’d use more than once, Farmington Storage (conveniently located at 155 Scott Swamp Road, phone number 860.777.4001) can help you store it all. Because honestly, with 3,613 square feet, you’re bound to run out of space at some point. Thanks, Farmington Storage—you’re the real MVP of this suburban dream.
Final Thoughts: Is This The One?
If you’ve got a spare $799,000 lying around (and let’s face it, who doesn’t in today’s market?), this could be your next forever home—assuming forever means the time it takes for you to realize that crown molding doesn’t dust itself. But hey, with all these custom features, two fireplaces, and more laundry rooms than anyone could reasonably need, it’s certainly an experience.
Just remember, at The Farmington Mercury, we’re not here to rush you into big life decisions—we’re here to help you fully comprehend just how deep the rabbit hole goes. And if you’re still on the fence, perhaps another look at that tax history will nudge you in the right direction. Or off the ledge. Either way, we’ll be here, reporting slowly and steadily.
-JB-
This article is brought to you by The Farmington Mercury, your trusted source for keeping tabs on everything that’s right—and wrong—with Farmington.
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