For Just $799,000, You Can Own This 4-Bedroom Monument to Adult Responsibility in Farmington, CT
For the discerning homeowner with a penchant for multi-zone heating and a fear of spontaneous home depreciation, we present 9 Juniper Lane. Nestled deep within the heart of a Farmington cul-de-sacâperfect for anyone with a strong desire to live just far enough from society to consider using the word âsecludedâ in casual conversationâthis 4-bedroom, 3.5-bath colonial is now yours for a mere $799,000.
That’s right. For less than the cost of a lifetime’s worth of existential dread, you can move into this 3,613-square-foot adult playground, where two fireplaces and two laundry rooms provide all the luxury you never knew you needed.
The Suburban Dream: Where Fireplaces Outnumber Kids
Letâs start with the kitchenâa space designed not just for eating, but for reminding you why you work long hours. Itâs decked out with a double oven (because one is for peasants), a 5-burner gas cooktop (ideal for setting off the smoke alarm), and two pantries (so you can buy those Costco 12-packs of peanut butter without regret). It also features a charming, cozy fireplace for those moments when your morning coffee deserves its own cinematic ambiance.
Step into the family roomâwhere the ceiling is coffered, the second fireplace roars, and your dreams of avoiding holiday gatherings are systematically extinguished. The crown molding quietly screams “Iâm better than you” without being too obnoxious about it.
And whatâs more practical than one laundry room? Two laundry rooms. Thatâs right. Whether youâre separating whites and colors or simply hiding from your family while folding towels, this house has you covered in ways no therapy session ever could.
Taxes So High You Can Almost Feel the Civic Pride
Speaking of things you canât escape, letâs talk about the taxesâbecause who doesnât love contributing to Farmingtonâs civic prosperity? At $10,344 annually, youâll be delighted to know that every time you think about that picturesque backyard view of “forever wild” conservation land, youâre also funding it. Sure, the property assessment skyrocketed by 31.7% in 2023, but whatâs a little tax hike when youâre already in six figures of debt, right?
The price history is a rollercoaster of emotions, having been listed for $749,900 in November of 2023, only to be pulled off the market brieflyâprobably because someone got cold feet after realizing there were two fireplaces to clean. But itâs back now at the ultra-competitive price of $799,000, so don’t dawdle unless you enjoy refreshing Zillow at 3 AM, quietly wondering if you shouldâve stayed in your rental.
“Custom Features” for the Custom Lifestyle Youâre Pretending to Live
This home has a long list of “custom features”âa phrase here meaning things that sound nice but mostly remind you how much effort maintaining them will be. Youâve got the hardwood floors, 5-zone heating (so you can micromanage your own comfort), two propane fireplaces (youâre into that by now, right?), and a generator for when Mother Nature decides to turn out the lights.
The primary suite offers not just one, but two walk-in closets, because you deserve to store clothing you’ll never wear again. Thereâs a double-sink granite vanity, too, because nothing says true love like brushing your teeth next to someone at a comfortable distance.
Outside, a paver patio and deck invite you to take in your immaculately maintained 0.68-acre lot. Sure, you could spend your weekends enjoying that “forever wild” conservation land, but letâs be honestâyouâll probably be inside adjusting the thermostat.
Call Our SponsorâBecause We Know You Need a Place for All That Stuff
Before you schedule that second showing, allow us to direct you to Farmington Storage, where all those things that wonât fit in your three-car garage can find their forever home. Whether itâs off-season decorations or those skis you thought youâd use more than once, Farmington Storage (conveniently located at 155 Scott Swamp Road, phone number 860.777.4001) can help you store it all. Because honestly, with 3,613 square feet, youâre bound to run out of space at some point. Thanks, Farmington Storageâyouâre the real MVP of this suburban dream.
Final Thoughts: Is This The One?
If youâve got a spare $799,000 lying around (and letâs face it, who doesnât in todayâs market?), this could be your next forever homeâassuming forever means the time it takes for you to realize that crown molding doesnât dust itself. But hey, with all these custom features, two fireplaces, and more laundry rooms than anyone could reasonably need, itâs certainly an experience.
Just remember, at The Farmington Mercury, weâre not here to rush you into big life decisionsâweâre here to help you fully comprehend just how deep the rabbit hole goes. And if youâre still on the fence, perhaps another look at that tax history will nudge you in the right direction. Or off the ledge. Either way, weâll be here, reporting slowly and steadily.
-JB-
This article is brought to you by The Farmington Mercury, your trusted source for keeping tabs on everything thatâs rightâand wrongâwith Farmington.
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