Farmington’s Wetlands Committee Debates Golf Course Sprinklers Like It’s the Cuban Missile Crisis 🌊🏌️
Farmington, Connecticut – A place where nature gets defended with the passion usually reserved for legal thrillers, and a sprinkler trench can spark a debate of epic proportions. Last Wednesday, Farmington’s Inland Wetlands Commission gathered for an “emergency” meeting on a proposal by the Farmington Country Club, a straightforward project to update the club’s 60-year-old sprinkler pipes. You know, the kind of pipes that are held together by tape and prayers.
Act I: The Case of the Leaky Pipes
So here’s the situation: Farmington Country Club has been keeping up with its ancient irrigation system for decades, and by “keeping up,” I mean patching leaks faster than a sitcom dad plugs holes in a sinking rowboat. “We’re working with 60-year-old pipes,” said Greg Sten, the superintendent, with a sigh that suggested he’s also been on the job just about that long. “We patch up one leak only for another to spring up a week later,” he added, sounding like he was running a faucet race against time.
You’d think the Farmington Wetlands Commission would jump on the chance to save some water with a modern, efficient system. But in this town, even the most sensible ideas can feel like trying to explain a TikTok dance to your grandma. Enter the Farmington Wetlands Commission.
Act II: The Wetlands Avengers Assemble
The Commission wasn’t about to let a water-saving project get in the way of their core mission: protecting every inch of wetland, no matter how tiny. Commissioner Albert Eisner was the first to pipe up (no pun intended), with an intensity usually reserved for crime dramas. Eisner, in full protector-of-wetlands mode, raised concerns about digging small trenches through five mini-streams. “By trenching through these streams, even if it’s just a one-foot-wide cut, we risk sedimentation and unforeseen effects on water flow,” Eisner said, his face serious enough that you could hear Mission Impossible music playing in the background. Meanwhile, Commissioner Rich David Fox raised his hand with the urgency of someone who just spotted a missing decimal point in a bank statement. “We need more detail on the linear feet involved in each crossing and the total amount of wetland area disturbed,” Fox insisted, gripping his pen like he was ready to whip out a measuring tape right there.
Art Schultz, the poor contractor, stepped up and tried to explain that no, this wasn’t a demolition derby, and yes, the trenches would be filled in every day. “We will cut a narrow trench, lay the pipe, and restore the ground every day. Once the grass is rolled over the cut, you wouldn’t even know we’d been there,” he said, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher talking down a toddler about to throw a tantrum.
Act III: Paradox of the Water-Saving Sprinkler
As if the scene weren’t ironic enough, the new system would actually use less water, conserving Farmington’s precious resource. Chair Ned Statuch saw the big picture. “We’re always advocating for efficient water use, and this project, in theory, does that,” he said, throwing a life raft to the project. But irony fell flat that night; even Ned’s support couldn’t soften the resistance. The commissioners, wary as ever, decided they couldn’t grant the project non-regulated use status, forcing the club back to the bureaucratic drawing board with a 3-3 split vote.
| Commissioner | Vote | Comments |
|---|---|---|
| Ned Statuch (Chair) | Aye | Supported project’s water efficiency. |
| Andre Simons | Aye | Agreed it posed minimal disturbance. |
| Mark Simpson | Aye | Cited similar work at Rockledge. |
| Albert Eisner | Nay | Concerned about water flow. |
| Neil Kelsey | Nay | Requested more restoration plans. |
| Rich David Fox | Nay | Demanded more measurements. |
So there you have it—a tie vote that forces Farmington Country Club into the labyrinth of permit applications. In Farmington, you can upgrade your irrigation system… as long as you don’t mind wrangling a commission ready to defend wetland inches as if they were castle walls.
Act IV: The Quest for More Numbers Continues
Next up? Farmington Country Club returns in December, ready with linear footage, square footage, and maybe a trench-by-trench diagram for good measure. Schultz, the contractor, is probably printing out enough paperwork to fill a small library, just to prove that a one-foot trench can indeed save water without sparking Wetlands Doomsday.
Jack Beckett, Senior Writer, The Farmington Mercury
Jack Beckett here, your man on the ground, typing up Farmington’s most epic sprinkler story with a cold brew by my side and an eye for the ironic. When I’m not covering the town’s top dramas (like irrigation), I’m at The Farmington Mercury, where we dig into the good, the quirky, and the downright entertaining stories. Want more than just wetland news? Here’s the good stuff:
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