Local Restaurant Hit by Truck Again, Begins Offering Crash Helmets with Breakfast Specials 🥞💥

Local Restaurant Owner Caught in Endless Loop of Vehicular Assault

BRISTOL, CT— In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has been paying attention, Jimmy’s on the River, a local eatery already accustomed to the finer points of auto-induced structural damage, received its second uninvited automotive guest in just two years. The restaurant, which had just wrapped up renovations from a previous vehicular attack, was once again sent reeling when a flatbed truck decided to get up close and personal with the dining room, making sure that “open concept” took on a whole new meaning.

Owner Jim Driscoll, who had just begun to see the light at the end of his two-year renovation tunnel, found himself back at square one, staring at a fresh hole in the wall that, with a bit of optimism, could be marketed as a new drive-thru option.

“This was not the grand reopening I had in mind,” said Driscoll, who probably should have seen this coming when he decided to open a restaurant in what appears to be a magnet for misguided motor vehicles. “The main thing is nobody got seriously hurt, but really, how many times can you get hit by a truck before you start taking it personally?”

Jim’s wife, Janet Driscoll, confirmed that the driver of the flatbed truck blamed the incident on another motorist who couldn’t resist playing a game of “Who Can Get Out of the Way Fastest?” The result was a surprise visit to Jimmy’s that left patrons shaken but thankfully unharmed—minus the unfortunate tables that bore the brunt of the impact.

“I guess you could say it’s a miracle,” mused Janet, who wondered what higher power has it out for their restaurant. “We were so close to finally being done, but I suppose the universe just wasn’t ready to let that happen.”

The timing of the crash, which came mere hours after brand-new booth seats were installed, was nothing short of impeccable—if by impeccable, you mean “perfectly timed to crush the Driscolls’ hopes and dreams.” The couple had been eagerly anticipating the final touches, which included a fresh parking lot and an outdoor patio designed to withstand anything except, apparently, a truck barreling through it.

Despite the setback, the Driscolls have managed to find some silver linings. Their loyal customer base has rallied around them, with a GoFundMe set up by their daughter raising over $2,700. Unfortunately, due to some conveniently timed insurance technicalities, the restaurant’s policy won’t cover the damages since the renovations were pending inspection. Because, of course, nothing says “thanks for sticking with us” like a bureaucratic loophole.

Still, Jim Driscoll remains determined to reopen, even if it means setting up a rotating door policy for the next vehicle destined to crash through his business. “We’ll get through this,” he said, with the steely resolve of a man who might just start selling crash helmets as part of his menu. “The support from the community has been overwhelming, and we’re grateful. But if another truck comes through that door, I’m putting up a toll booth.”

We want to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Farmington Storage, for supporting The Farmington Mercury and providing a safe, secure place to store your valuables far away from reckless drivers. Visit them at 155 Scott Swamp Road in Farmington, CT, or call them at 860.777.4001—because you never know when a truck might try to make a surprise visit to your living room.

Stay tuned to The Farmington Mercury for all your local news—because in Farmington, we promise things to crash down, so you don’t have to.

-JB-