Unionville Historic District and Properties Commission Meeting Ends in Frenzy Over Dilapidated Homes and Ghostly Histories
Farmington, CT – June 6, 2024
Last night’s Unionville Historic District and Properties Commission meeting quickly turned into an exhilarating roller coaster of thrilling historical revelations and riveting property disputes, leaving attendees on the edge of their seats.
Minutes Approved in Record-Breaking Boredom
In a shocking turn of events, the commission managed to approve the April 4 meeting minutes without a single objection. “Yes.” “Yes.” “Aye.” And just like that, democracy in action reached new heights of mundanity. The absence of dissent was palpable and almost disheartening.
The Great 132 vs. 134 Debate
Barbara Jones and Steve Richards, Unionville’s very own Indiana Joneses of historical homes, unveiled their latest treasure trove of information. The dynamic duo delved into the mysterious case of 132 and 134 Lovely Street, properties so steeped in intrigue that even their fences lean at a dramatic 45-degree angle. “It’s like a historical soap opera,” one attendee whispered.
Ghost House and the Greek Revival Mystery
Property 134, aka “The Ghost House,” once stood proud at the front of the street before the Hearts unceremoniously banished it to the backyard in 1863. Now, it lurks in the shadows, its dilapidated visage barely visible and its architectural secrets safe from prying eyes—or maybe just too boring to include in the tour.
Walking Tour: The Marathon Nobody Asked For
Plans for the upcoming historical walking tour were dissected with surgical precision. Set for September 28 and 29, the tour promises to be a marathon of historical anecdotes and old house voyeurism. “We won’t be trespassing, just appreciating from afar,” reassured a commission member, who then hinted at the real challenge: surviving the trek without caffeine.
Matt’s Magical Renovation Update
Matt Thompson, who is clearly moonlighting as a wizard, unveiled the dramatic transformation of the historical house’s kitchen at 198 Main Street. Chimneys vanished, ceilings soared to nine feet, and the mystical Fibonacci sequence guided window dimensions. “My wife did the math,” he confessed, hinting at a conspiracy involving mathematicians and historical preservationists.
Letter to the Neighbors: We Swear We’re Not Creeps
To avoid alarming Unionville’s residents with hordes of history buffs staring at their homes, the commission decided to send out warning letters. “Dear Resident, Don’t be scared. It’s just a tour,” the draft begins. They hope this will prevent any 911 calls about suspicious, brochure-wielding individuals.
Meeting Adjourned Until Further Hilarity
With the next meeting strategically moved to July 11 to avoid conflicts with the Fireman’s Festival, the commission wrapped up its session. As always, they thanked their sponsor, Farmington Storage, because nothing says historical preservation like a well-organized storage facility.
Farmington Storage: Because your historical artifacts need a home too. Located at 155 Scott Swamp Road, Farmington, CT. Call 860-777-4001 before your antiques start to rebel.
The Unionville Historic District and Properties Commission continues to prove that history isn’t just a series of old, dusty facts—it’s a living, breathing circus of excitement, mystery, and mild terror. Stay tuned for the next episode.
